POMPEY AND HIS SOLDIER
One of Pompey's soldiers was a big, strapping fellow, but he spoke with a falsetto
and swung his hips like a lady, which made everyone think he was a fairy. One
night he laid an ambush for Pompey's baggage cart, and by leading the mules
astray he made off with a great deal of silver and gold and clothing. The story
of what the soldier had done quickly spread throughout the camp. Charges were
brought and the man was taken off to headquarters where General Pompey asked
him, 'What do you have to say for yourself? Were you in fact the man who robbed
me, comrade?' The soldier immediately spit into his left hand and then shook
the spittle off his fingers as he pronounced the following oath: 'Commander,
may my eyeballs dribble out of their sockets just like this spittle if I so
much as saw or touched anything that belongs to you.' Pompey, being an unsuspecting
sort of person, simply could not believe that this soldier would have had the
courage to commit such a crime, and he ordered him to be taken away as a disgrace
to the regiment. A short time later, an enemy soldier challenged one of our
Roman soldiers to a fight, absolutely confident that he would win. All the Roman
soldiers feared for their lives, and the chief officers were muttering about
what to do. Then the soldier who looked like a fairy but who had the strength
of Mars himself, approached one of the officers seated on the raised platform
and said in his quavering voice, 'May I?' Pompey was outraged at this appalling
state of affairs and ordered the man to be thrown out, but one of Pompey's old
friends spoke to him and said, 'I for one think it is better to put this man
to the test, since he is entirely dispensable. That would be better than risking
a powerful warrior, whose unfortunate loss would be used as proof of your recklessness.'
Pompey agreed and allowed the soldier to accept the challenge. As the army watched
in amazement, he cut his opponent's head off faster than you can say 'thwack.'
Pompey then said to him, 'Soldier, I gladly award you the victor's crown, since
you have avenged the honour of the Roman forces -- but may my eyeballs dribble
out of their sockets (and Pompey also repeated the filthy gesture which the
soldier had used when he had sworn his oath) if you are not the man who stole
my baggage cart the other night!' |